April and Jon had been married for seven years.  They have two school-aged children and were members of a church.  They claimed to be saved and believed that the Bible is true. But the pressures of marriage, raising children, paying the bills and life, in general, had become great and they were not feeling happy anymore.  Between fighting a lot, working hard to make ends meet and being too tired for sex, they were not living the dream.  When they would complain to friends about being unhappily married and how uncooperative their spouse was, the friends often suggested that divorce might be the answer.

They came to see us for marriage counseling but also continued to seek counsel from their friends and family. Those friends and family usually advised them that the best way to stop the fighting and strife was to get a divorce.  One friend had told them that divorce was in the Bible and that Moses himself had established the process.  That friend recommended they see a lawyer, the one that he had used for his divorce.

“OK so your plan is to be divorced?” we asked.

“Yes, we think it is best for everybody” April claimed rather confidently. “We want to stop fighting in front of the kids and besides the Bible even suggests that it is OK.”

Jon continued “I consulted with a lawyer. And he is a Christian. And he says that Christians divorce all the time.” Then he added “So we have made an appointment with that lawyer because we like to work with Christians.”

Our hearts were breaking for them. We knew that this might be the last time we would see them as a married couple. We knew they had heard the lies of the world and were being encouraged to believe them.  Life apart from one another would be better than living together.  We loved them and hated Satan for breaking up this family. We knew about the permanent scars that this single act would put on them and their children. We asked for permission to tell them the truth about divorce and the little lies that we are urged to believe by the world.

April and Jon both nodded and said almost in unison, “We have always trusted you guy, so yes, please help us understand divorce.”

That “Advice” goes something like this:

What does the Bible say about divorce?

I have searched the scriptures for references to divorce and found 22 places where divorce is mentioned. Twice the Bible describes when divorce is considered acceptable.  The remaining 20 describe divorce as something with pretty terrible consequences. In the two cases of it being acceptable, the first is a guideline for Jewish marriage from Moses and the second is actually talking about engagement and not marriage at all.  Please take some time and search the scripture on your own but here are some examples that I am familiar with.

“What God has put together let no man tear apart” is Jesuses words in Matthew 19:6. He was warning us that there would be consequences to the action of divorce. He was not saying that fire would come down from heaven and burn us up as we walked out of the courthouse.  He was telling us that divorce is not God’s plan for our happiness. He was telling us that we would hinder blessings in our lives.  The Jewish leaders immediately reminded him of Deuteronomy 24:1 that says divorce is allowed for any reason. 

He resolved this for them by saying “Moshe allowed you to divorce your wives because your hearts are so hardened” (Matthew 16:8). If Moses had allowed divorce because their hearts were hard, it seems a poor idea to confirm that by divorcing your wife. The King of the Universe was offing pretty clear direction. Divorce equals a hard heart. 

“God Hates Divorce.” Malachi 2:16. This is another very clear statement from God himself through the prophet Malachi.  We know that God hates anything that is bad for his children, so divorce must be bad for us.  As a matter of fact, God goes on to compare divorce with acts of violence later in the same verse.

Adonai says: “Where is your mother’s divorce document which I gave her when I divorced her?” (Isiah 50:1).  This is a powerful statement by God, delivered through his prophet Isiah.  Things are awful for the nation of Israel because they have abandoned him.  They try to place the blame on God the father. He says back to them basically if I was the one that walked away, then show me the divorce decree.  The truth is that he did not divorce them even when the relationship was struggling.

The bottom line is, there is no Biblical reason for divorce.  It is always against God and so can never be seen as a Christian act.

What are some of the lies told by the world?

“We plan to co-parent and we think we will remain friends after the divorce”, objected Jon. As I began to talk about how God does not want them to be divorced. 

“I hear what you are saying Jon, but that is one of the big lies you are telling yourself.” Then I asked, “If you are such good friends that you can raise children as equal partners, why divorce?”

Someone had told Jon that after the divorce he could go on with his life and not need to be concerned about where April lived, who she would live with or any such matter anymore.  This is a lie.  If you have children, there will always be birthdays and holiday and likely another set of grandparents. Then we asked them, “Are you OK with your children calling someone else Mom or Dad?”  They, of course, were not OK with that and then lied to themselves again by claiming that it would never happen. 

Divorce will leave a permanent scar on the two individuals as well as on their children. We are told that children are resilient and will be fine once they get into the new routine of our new life. This is what we like to tell ourselves to help us sleep at night, but this is far from the truth. Multiple studies have concluded that children of divorced parents have a rougher time than their peers who grew up in a home that stayed together. For example:

• Studies in the early 1980s showed that children in repeat divorces earned lower grades and their peers rated them as less pleasant to be around.
• A Harvard Press Study reports that Children of divorced parents are two times more likely to drop out of school
• The Journal of the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry reports that Children of divorced parent attempt suicide twice as often
• A study titled “Fathers, Marriage and Welfare Reform” found that Seventy percent of long-term prison inmates grew up in broken homes
• A study titled “Family Structure and Children’s Health and Well-being” from the Journal of Marriage and the Family, claims that children living with both biological parents are 20 to 35 percent more physically healthy than children from broken homes.

Finally, and perhaps the most important point to consider, divorce is a sin. The world lies to us and tells us it is a normal part of living.  So normal that 50% of marriages end in divorce. So, for a Christian to divorce, he/she must first reconcile within themselves that divorce is not sinning. As you work that out, please also keep in mind that you are teaching your children with your actions.

“Jon, April, I do not believe you really want to be divorced.  I think you are simply not happy. I believe that God can help you know his will and that you will find joy in that will.  I believe you can live happily ever after in the truth of the Bible. You don’t have to settle for the lies of the world.”  

With that we prayed for them and sent them on their way. 

I hope they will come back one day and get help with being happy.  I hope and pray for them often.  Please Lord, do not let them become a part of the terrible statistics we read about.  There is hope only in God and I want so badly for them to be happy.  Amen