Eros to Philias to Agape
We use the word “love” interchangeably to mean all three types of love. While our language may limit us to saying all three, in the same way, it may have different meaning each time we say it. When I say “I love you” to my friends it does not have the same meaning as when I say “I love you” to my wife. I have Philia for my friends and in some cases, if the relationship is very deep, I have Agape for them. But I do not have Eros for my friends. When I say “I love you” to Gay I am expressing the passion of Eros, the trust of Philia and the promise of Agape to her.
This was not always true in my life and in our marriage. To demonstrate let me tell you about our journey and how God inspired us to Love, Love, and Love one another.
When I first met Gay, I have to admit that I had Eros for that 19-year-old Co-ed standing outside of hillside hall on the IUS campus. She wore her hair in a long perm, her eyes are simply the most enchanting I had ever seen and the sweater and jeans she had chosen that day fit very well. I wanted to get to know her better.
On our first date, we shared some wine and went to a cheap movie. We talked for some time after the show and turns out we had a lot in common. She was so much fun to be around; I was falling in love with her. I was still excited about her appearance and felt a great deal of Eros for her but was also feeling Philia toward her. I wanted to spend more time with her, not just because she was attractive, but also because she was someone I felt I could trust.
I was smitten with this beautiful, intelligent, loving, kind, funny and resourceful girl. Eros had caused me to ask her out and Philia had caused me to know and trust her. We were in love. So much so that just seven months after we met, we married. Now, forty years later, I look back at that time and realize what I thought was the deepest love possible was only wonderful, not perfect.
In 1985, Gay and I dedicated our lives to Christ and began to learn about a new kind of love called Agape. This is a word we use a lot in the church, but I am not sure we know what it really means or how to apply it to our lives. I am not sure we understand how it really feels or how to put it into action. We like to say, “Thanks be to God for loving me enough to send his son to die for me.” But I am not sure we are ready to follow Christ in that love. I know this because I was one of those Christians that for too long did not understand. I loved Christ for what he did for me, but I was not ready to “Agape” my wife in the same way.
God did not leave me in a fallen state, thinking that love was something based on my physical feeling. He has continued to grow my understanding of his love for me so that I could show that same love to others. He transformed my married relationship with Gay to a place where I can express and receive Eros, Philia and Agape love. Let me share some of the things that God has shown me about each of these types of love.
I Love you – Eros
This is sometimes characterized as physical attraction or romantic love. Unfortunately, many relationships are based on this type of love and never get to enjoy true peace and happiness that comes from maturing to the other types. These relationships are based wholly on how good it feels when the feeling fade so does the relationship. I was attracted to Gay initially by this kind of love. If we had never grown past that initial attraction, we may have married but our chances of lasting 40 years would have been slim.
Eros is celebrated in the media and is a multi-billion-dollar industry called pornography. Cosmetic companies, magazines, movies, and TV all capitalize on the fact that this surface level love can be expressed with very little commitment. So, if it is so bad why is it important?
I believe that every good marriage will have some level of Eros in the relationship – we call that sex. Make no mistake, I find Gay very attractive and still love her in that way and very strongly. The industries mention earlier tell us that Eros is OK outside the marriage. When Eros is expressed outside of marriage we have been told (wrongly) that it is still called it sex. This is a lie and serves to cheapen a very important aspect of love. If you don’t believe me, why has Satan taught us to talk of “Teen Sex” rather than “Teen Fornication”. Or why do we call it “Sleeping together” or “An Affair” rather than adultery? It is because sin has become common and trivial and we do not want to offend the sinner. However, we should be offended by God’s beautiful wedding gift (Sex) is given the same title and status as fornication and adultery.
I love you – Philia
As Gay and I dated, we also became good friends. I could trust her, and she could trust me as we shared our dreams and desires with one another. Philia is a wonderful level of intimacy that brings a greater emotional response than Eros. You want them to know about you. You want them to know how you feel and what you think about matters. If you express this kind of love and trust, it will also be extended to you. In marriage, we call this being “naked and unashamed”. It will facilitate forgiveness when something goes wrong and shared joy when something wonderful happens. The person with whom you share philia is the first person you share joy and seek comfort from.
Husbands and wives that have not developed this kind of love for one another will often say they have trouble communicating. The root of good intimate communication is being able to express and share Philia. If I share an idea with Gay that sounds ridiculous, I know she will still love me. I know that she will not judge me or withhold philia from me because I have one bad idea. As a result, I am free to allow her to IN-TO-ME-SEE.
I love you – Agape
Agape love is a type of love that prefers another over one’s self. It may be the most difficult kind of love to understand and to put into action. When Jesus went to the cross, he was expressing Agape love for his Father, God. The Bible tells us he spent a whole night in prayer over this one thing (Mark 13:46). That choice cost him pain even unto death but resulted in the resurrection and the salvation for God’s creation… us.
Consider Jesus’s life up until just a few days before his death. At the age of 33, he had already fed 5,000 people with what was in a boy’s lunch box. He had created medicine that cured blindness from dirt and spit. He walked on water, told a storm to be quiet and it did, thousands would show up to hear him speak no matter the venue, everybody invited him to dinner when he can to time. The rulers of the day wanted him dead but were unable to lay a hand on him. He was loved, celebrated, and adored everywhere he went. He was making a difference in his lifetime. But He chose to love (Agape) the Father more than that life and the laurels that came with it. He chose to lay down that life.
What does this mean to my marriage?
The root of ALL marital problems is selfishness. That’s right ALL! This statement is based on 40 years of relationship with Gay and more than 20 years of coaching couples. I can say that I have NEVER seen, heard or experienced a marital problem that was not firmly rooted in the error of choosing one’s self over their spouse. Learning to love one another can only be accomplished through constant prayer and practice.
Pray daily, that you will be blessed with Philia for your spouse. Practice making them the first ones you celebrate the good things with and seek comfort for the not so great. I remember celebrating a PB&J that Gay has brought me when I thought I was too busy to stop and eat. It turned out to be a great time of fellowship about how God was blessing our home with good things. The sandwich was the same white bread and bargain peanut butter as always but we paused and shared that moment together.
Pray daily, that you will desire (Eros) your spouse. Practice saying it out loud and often. Your words should affirm your attraction to them. Never let a day go by that you do not compliment them and express your Eros for them. There is never a question in Gay’s mind about rather I think she is beautiful and that desire her… because I tell her all the time. She asked me once, “Is that all you think about?” I answered honestly that some time and I am hungry. “But then I eat something and start thinking about you again.”
Pray that you will be able to set your will aside in favor of serving your spouse. It can be as simple as opening a car door in the rain for your wife or as big as choosing to not take a new job because your spouse is uncomfortable. Gay and I have made it a practice to occasionally ask one another “is there anything I can do to make your life better?”
I love you, Love You, LOVE YOU
Today, Gay and I love one another passionately, desperately and without reservation. Our marital love has grown not just deeper but wider. The Eros that drew us together has been enhanced by the Philia that held us together until we developed Agape for one another. Our love for one another is more pleasurable, more trusting and more sacrificial than we ever dreamed possible. I owe this to the depth and breadth that God has loved us. He has taken time to teach Gay and me individually about the three types of love.
Take time today and ask God to help you Love, Love, Love your spouse. He is faithful and will provide – Taste and see that the Lord is good (Psalm 34).
