Divorce is cheap, but it might cost more than you bargained for

I saw an ad recently offering a divorce for only $129.00.  Boy, divorce sure has gotten cheap. The sentiment of the day being, if my wife and I can’t get along, all we do is write a check for $129.00 and the state will take care of our problems?  That’s all there is to it?  I don’t need to do the hard work to make this marriage work when something so easy exists.  The ad seems to encourage me to think that divorce is easy and clean and about the price of a meal at a fancy restaurant. For just $129.00 I can have my marriage dissolved and a brand-new divorce degree to show for it. No muss, no fuss, just free and clear… and happy.”  Hmmm, there must be a catch.

I assume there are a lot of people taking advantage of this bargain because 50% of marriages end in divorce.  But I wonder do people really believe that all their relationship problems could be solved for so little money.  Do they stop to think about the side effects of this miracle relationship remedy? Seems too good to be true. I was taught to be cautious when something seems too good to be true because it probably is.

Divorce is really a legal solution to a spiritual problem. God created marriage way back at the beginning of time. He created men and women to need one another and to become one with each other.  Moses wrote it down in Genesis chapter two and Jesus repeated it in Matthew chapter 19.  In both cases, marriage was described as something that is good for you and meant to last a lifetime.  Divorce, on the other hand, is designed to ignore all the two becoming one stuff and move us to be one by ourselves.  What I am saying is this; if you are having trouble with your marriage, chances are nearly 100% that you are selfish. Divorce is simply one of the most selfish acts anyone can do.  Malachi 2:16 says that God hates divorce and compares to being violent.  Your divorce will harm you and others suddenly and with great force. But you told that it will get you out of being married and make your single again, at least legally. Please pardon my being blunt here but give me a moment to explain and then propose a better solution. A solution that will help you and others around you avoid the pain caused by that bargain divorce… or any other kind of divorce for that matter.

My wife and I run a ministry called Genesis 2:24. We talk with a lot of people that are not living the dream of a happy marriage. Many are thinking of divorcing, so we have done research on divorce and some of the side effect that comes with the deal.  Think of it as one of those infomercial ads on TV. They tell you about their great product and the super low price they are offering if you act now. They make it easy to buy and may even allow you to make installment payments. Have your credit card ready and call 800-divorce now, lawyers are standing by. This is when the announcer shouts “But wait, there’s more. If you act now you will also get these other things for free.”  They hope you will pick up the phone and order now before you take time to evaluate all the extras; after all, they are free and included in the deal.

Let’s breakdown some of what you get when you purchase your divorce:

The lawyer will charge only $129.00 for the paperwork the state needs to make you single again. You will get a divorce decree and be rid of you soon to be ex-spouse. But Jesus tells us that what God has put together let no man tear us apart (Matthew 19:4-6). This is why divorce is more like surgery to remove a part of your body than ending a business deal.  This is why it hurts and leaves scars. The hurt and scares are yours to keep, no extra charge. But wait there’s more.

You will hurt for a while, but you will learn to live without that part of you that was ripped out by the divorce but please consider this. There is a nearly unanimous agreement by mental health professionals that children will experience stress as a result of the divorce. Some go as far as to call it traumatic and most will tell you that your kids “will bounce back”. But they cannot tell you how long your children will be in a slump and specifically how it will affect them.  Only that it will and that therapy to help them through the slump is a good idea. How will the slump likely look?

Your children will do less well in school.  This is a statistical representation, not every child will get bad grades if you divorce.  But your children will have a loss of sense of order, feel irritable more often and have more social problems if you divorce.  That comes with the bargain – no extra charge. According to studies published in the Journal of Marriage and Family, children of divorced parents (even if they remarry) do poorer in school by every standard.  They receive 10%-13% fewer “A” s on their report cards. They repeat a grade 15% more often. They graduate high school at a rate of 76%-80% of the time compared to 91% for their peers whose parents stayed married.

The subject of the long-term effect on children has been studied and studied again. They all seem to point at the fact that children of divorced parents have been thrust into dealing with an adult problem before they are adults. They develop a somewhat negative view of marriage and a positive view of divorce. This will hinder their ability to live happily ever after no matter who they meet or how deeply they fall in love.  All of that might be more than you bargained for.

But you will be in a better place to help your kids through it, right?  Not so fast there sparky, many of those same studies claim you will not do better.  Divorced people tend to be less happy, have emotional problems, see a doctor more often, are more prone to substance abuse, have lower self-esteem and struggle with depression than their married peers. This will not make you a better parent.

You may argue “But that’s just temporary, I will come out of it.”  According to the Journal of Sociology, married persons experience per person net worth increase of 77 percent over singles. Statistics from the CDC suggest that your next relationship has a lowered chance of success as well. While first marriages fail between 38% and 52% of the time, second marriages fail up to 70% of the time. And to top it off married people live longer.

As you can see the real cost of divorce is significantly higher than $129.00. Hang up the phone, put your credit card away and let me suggest a happier path.

Couples often think their relationship is in trouble because they cannot find common ground on which to stand on any number of subjects. This leads to a break down in basic trust and is an enemy to intimacy. A great way to start building your relationship is to begin to look for ways to walk in agreement with one another. No matter where you are today there is something you agree on. The Bible asks can two travel together accept they agree (Amos 3:3). Psalm 133 says it is pleasant to agree and there is blessing in the agreement. I submit that if couples would simply tell one another of their dreams, they would learn to dream together.

Each of you has ideas, dreams, desires, and things they want to accomplish in life.  When you get married those don’t just go away. You now have a partner to help you with them.  Two can accomplish so much more than one (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12). Take some time to talk with one another about your dreams and desires. You may find there are places you already agree; you may find things you do not agree on. Don’t concentrate on where you disagree but rather one where you agree.  Celebrate those areas in which you agree and ask God to show you why you agree.

Here are some things most couples can start their walking agreement with. Find a notebook to take notes in and make an appointment with one another to talk about these and write down what each of you thinks.  Take your time. If it takes a while to talk through any one of these, you are talking and is a good thing.

• You loved one another at some point in your relationship. Perhaps you still do. Talk about when that was.  Write it down. Was it your wedding day? Perhaps it was that time you were fishing or walking on the beach. Write down the particulars of that day.  What made that day special? Take a moment to celebrate that. Talk about how that makes you feel and what it makes you think.

• You love your children and you would never want to hurt them.  Perhaps write down their names with their birth dates. Take a moment to celebrate them, right now.

• Do you believe in Jesus Christ as your personal savior? Tell one another about that experience in your life.  Write down all you can remember about that experience.  Take a moment to celebrate that.

• Thank God, for one thing, just one thing, that happened today and tell each other about it.  Write it down, celebrate it. 

Agreement is what will make your marriage strong and will give you common things to celebrate and be in love about.  If you would like to know more about agreement in marriage check out our latest book called “The Book of Agreement and Remembrance” available on Amazon.  

Don’t fall for the trick of the enemy calls divorce. Don’t allow the lie of a low price of divorce fool you into taking a deal you cannot really afford. If you are not living happily ever after, please seek Christian counseling for your marriage.  Genesis 2:24 Ministries offers help to couples free to any that ask.  Look for us at www.genesis2-24.net . We are happy to work with you from your home, over video chat or in-person in Seymour, Indiana and Scottsboro, Alabama.