5 agreement tactics that work – EVERY TIME!
John Maxwell says one key to success is making decisions early and then managing those decisions. We can take a lesson about marriage from that advice. If you will make decisions about who you will be as a couple and where you will go, before there is trouble, you will head off many marriage problems. Early decisions are calling things that do not exist as if they do (Romans 4:17). We call this casting vision. Many couples avoid the process altogether because they fear they will end up in a big fight with nothing to show for it but hurt feelings. These couples are not avoiding the fight, they are just putting it off until a less convenient time.
Jim and Martha always wanted kids and they were sure they would have beautiful, well-behaved children. They were so in love with one another and were sure their bundle of joy would never be a source of disagreement. Then the bundle of joy became Hurricane Jimmy. They both tried to quiet the storm with the tools they had been raised with. But they had avoided developing any real game plan. The first time Jim spanked his son, Martha intervened. She corrected Jimmy with a time out, then corrected Jim with a lecture on how her Mom raised her. Hmmm, I didn’t see that coming.
Planning is important; we all agree on that. Planning can be difficult; again, most would agree. Putting two plans into one is even harder; this is where the real work is to be done. It is not that couples can’t agree or that they do not want to agree it is that they may not have the right tools for this difficult job. Below are five tools that never fail. 100% of married couples that have implemented these tools in their decision-making process have succeeded and are well on their way to happily ever after.
The five Sure-Fire tools to help you walk in agreement with your spouse.
Following are five sure-fire (that means they never fail) tools (which means they must be used by a laborer) designed to cause you to be able to walk in agreement with your spouse.
#1 Your personal relationship with Christ
This must be your first and most important relationship… period. You must be diligent to keep your personal relationship with Christ active, intimate and growing. Your relationship with Christ will teach you what true love is, you will enjoy compassion and empathy for the needs of others, and he will teach you to have a greater desire to serve. In other words, you will be more agreeable.
Check yourself. Is Jesus Christ first in your life? Do you love him enough to listen to him through an active prayer life and the reading of His holy word?
#2 Have a covenant relationship with your spouse
Marriage was meant to be a covenant (Matthew 19:4-6) since the beginning of time. Covenant means that you have unlimited liability for your marriage relationship. You are to forgive your spouse, love your spouse, desire to enjoy and serve your spouse… no matter what. Covenant means there no deal breakers, you will stick with your spouse even if they mess up or the circumstances of life change. When you have decided to leave all others and cleave to your spouse you will be happier and will be able to agree more easily than if you have not made that decision. After more than 20 years of counseling couples, I know that when they make this one decision things always get better.
Check yourself. Do you plan to stay with your spouse no matter what? Or are there things you can think of that would cause you to divorce? If you have deal breakers, start asking God about those deal-breakers. What does his word say about them?
#3 Strife Break.
This is a tactic we were taught by our mentors to take the stress out of working together. We have used it to help us invite agreement into our lives many times and we teach it to every couple. The strife break is simple. If either of you ever feels that disagreement is getting ready to turn into a fight or hurt, you can call “Strife Break”. At that call you both will stop whatever is going on, grab hands and pray with one another. The prayer does not have to be long and pretty but it should be an invitation for Holy Spirit to enter the situation. It sounds so easy and doable right now but in the heat of a fight, it can be difficult.
You should decide, right now, to make Strife Break part of your relationship and decision-making process. I encourage you to try it right now. Stop reading right now, walk over to your spouse and ask them to grab hands and pray with you. Go one step further, promise your spouse that they can call a “Strife Break” any time and you will stop what you are doing and pray with them.
Check Yourself. Did you do it? Did you pray just now? If not, be sure you do before you go to bed tonight. This one tool will change the atmosphere of any situation from ready to tear off each other’s heads to calm and ready to agree.
#4 Never compromise
Compromise is not agreement. Compromise is just a treaty, a contract and will require future performance to continue. Someone has to lose and, in most cases, everybody loses at least a little. If you are in a covenant relationship and feel called to serve your spouse, you will not need to compromise. The biggest problem with compromise is that by its nature it is performance-based. Each party gives a little so that others will give a little. What happens when one of you fails to perform your end of the bargain? Decide now that you will consult with God’s Word and will pray with your spouse until there is agreement, not the uneasy peace of compromise.
Check yourself. Is this one of the ways you normally relate to your spouse? Perhaps this is how you pray as well. Perhaps this is how you settle things with your children. I caution you to not settle for good enough when you can have the best of the best in your life. Do you have compromises you are living with already? Pray with your spouse about how to turn those into agreement.
#5 What is your source of truth?
Early in our marriage, I would represent myself as the smartest one in the house. If Gay had an idea but it did not line up with what I felt was right, I would disagree with her. My source of truth was myself or something, I thought I had read somewhere or heard from a reliable source. I was all over the place because I did not have a clear source of truth. As a result, Gay would have trouble agreeing with me. Then God came along and taught me that His Word was a reliable and true source (2 Timothy 3:16-17). No good decision will ever be contrary to the Bible. When God says it, it is easy to agree with.
Check yourself. What is your source of truth? Is the Bible true cover to cover to you? When you are trying to make a decision do you see what the Word has to say about it?
If you will learn to use these five sure-fire tools, you will be able to walk in agreement with your spouse every day of your married life. If you would like to know about the tools and principles presented here, check out my book titled “The Book of Agreement and Remembrance” available on Amazon.
