What does it mean to be unequally yoked?
A husband, call him Josh, asks if it is OK to leave his wife because he was way more spiritual than her. She will go to church with him only occasionally, she does not read her Bible very often and seems to never pray. He was certain that they were “unequally yoked” and that was not what God wanted for his life. He felt justified in wanting to leave her or divorce her so he could find a more equal partner. He was referring to 2 Corinthians 6:14.
Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?
Josh was quoting the “do not be yoked” portion of this scripture with no context and no real understanding of what Paul was warning us to avoid. So, what does the caution to not be “unequally yoked” really mean? What actions are we called to do and to not do? How do you live happily ever after with your spouse even when you think you are unequally yoked?
What is the meaning of being unequally yoked?
Paul was telling us in 2 Corinthians 6:14 to not be yoked with unbelievers. A yoke is used to help a team do work or move a load together. This scripture is telling us that we will be unhappy if we do business with, have fellowship with, make alliances with, or marry those of a different faith. This was not a new command but rather an application of Deuteronomy 22:10 to our interpersonal relationships (Do not plow with an ox and a donkey yoked together).
The idea is that when you enter into a relationship, you are being yoked with someone else to accomplish a task or purpose. The yoke is what makes it possible for each teammate to apply a force equal to the task at hand. If one is not capable, or the yoke does not fit them, or they are not properly trained for the job, the team will be frustrated, disabled and will not accomplish its purpose. This is to be applied to all the relationships in your life not just your marriage.
OK, what about Josh and Sally? What should they do? Are they unequally yoked?
A little more about Josh and Sally
Sally met the man of her dreams when she was 25 years old. She was sure that God had answered her prayers. He was good looking, strong, kept a good job, treated her well and loved to have fun. They met at her favorite lunch place because they both worked nearby, and both liked the same kinds of food. She was dining alone in the packed diner and the only available seats were at her table. Josh approached her table and asked, “Sorry to bother you but would it be OK if I sat here to eat my lunch?” He had already been served and had his plate in his hand. Sally looked around and thought “sure why not” and motioned to the empty chair across from her.
Josh sat down, thanked her and struck up a conversation. By the end of lunch, Sally was hoping she would see him again. Josh was thinking the same thing and asked if he could call her sometime. They exchanged information and the rest, as they say, is history. They were married in a beautiful outdoor ceremony officiated by a judge, just five months later. Perfect, right? Perfect for the plot of a romantic comedy but not so perfect for happily ever after.
Josh and Sally never took the time to understand each other’s faith and how it would affect their life as one flesh. He was raised Catholic and she only knew the Southern Baptist church her parents had forced her to attend when she lived with them. Neither of them practiced any particular faith or belief when they met or early in their marriage. The question of faith just never came up.
Then life happened. Sally got sick and needed to take some time off work to get well. This was a strain on Josh because he now needed to earn enough to keep them afloat. She needed more attention than he could give. Josh felt like he was giving more than his share and Sally felt abandoned because he was never home. Each felt they were bearing more than their share of the heavy yoke of this marriage relationship. Truth is they were both indeed struggling under the weight of the circumstances.
Josh called the priest at the church he had grown up in but did not want to attend the mass of go to confession. Sally called her mom and dad, but they lived too far away to help much but they offered to pray for her and Josh. They both turned to the religion they had known and found little help. Neither had a relationship with the living God and both had different ideas about the path to him.
One day a colleague noticed Josh was out of sorts and offered to pray with him. It helped Josh that day and he became interested in a relationship with Christ. Within a couple of months, Josh started going to the colleague’s church with him and learning more about the Bible and the Good news of Jesus Christ. He was on fire for God. Sally, on the other hand, began to question Josh about what he was doing. She wondered out loud about who he thought he was “I suppose you are better than me now, Mr. holier than thou.”
Josh and Sally are indeed still not pulling in the same direction. Perhaps not even living for the same purpose. They are indeed not equally yoked. However, this is not a reason for divorce. It is a great opportunity for them to learn how to walk in agreement and pull together.
How to be happily and evenly yoked
We know Josh and Sally’s situation happens all too often in marriage today. The problem starts with a lack of understanding of marriage as a covenant. That lack will cause a longing and searching for happiness outside of the relationship. This may be as nefarious as a pornography addiction or as innocent as attending church without your spouse. No matter the distraction, the effect is the same. You are not pulling in the same direction and the yoke wears uncomfortable blisters. If the yoke is not adjusted and the blisters are not treated, you will cast off the yoke and separate the team. The work will not be accomplished, and the vision will remain unfulfilled. The following five steps will help you be equally yoked and to live happily ever after.
Step 1 – Accept your marriage as a covenant.
God designed marriage to be a “death do us part” relationship. Decide right now and, every day if you have to, that nothing will separate you. There can be no provisos, no conditions, no kidding; this marriage is until death. This one step will cause you to think about how to make the yoke easy and burden light (Matthew 11:30) instead of how to throw off the yoke.
Step 2 – Determine to use the Bible as your source of truth.
Josh and Sally received no premarital counseling. No one asked them what they believed before they were married. They each made their own decisions about what was right and wrong. When Josh accepted Christ, he expected Sally to join him. Josh and Sally needed to come to agreement on this very important matter, but it is not automatic.
Gay and I agree that the Bible is true cover to cover. If ever there is a matter that we are not sure about, we consult our source of truth. We never depend upon our individual opinions to set direction or rule the house (Joshua 24:14-15). If you expect to enjoy the easy yoke of a happy marriage takes time to agree on this matter.
If you are not yet married think about what you believe. Will Jesus be an important part of your life, your vision, and your decisions? Will the Bible be your source of truth? This will ensure you avoid the trap Josh and Sally fell into.
Sept 3 – Seek a vision for your life.
Josh and Sally had no prophetic vision for their life together. Their plan was to stay in love forever and everything would just work out. Humans are happier when they think they are a part of something bigger than themselves. Married couples are happier when they think their marriage is a part of something bigger than just hoping “Everything will work out.” Wondering around just hoping is difficult – walking toward something is always better.
Proverb 29:18 in the King James says, “Where there is no vision the people perish.” Jesus tells us that if we will seek, we will find (Like 11:9). If you are not sure where you are going as a couple, let me encourage you to boldly seek a prophetic vision.
Step 4 – Write it down.
This is detailed in my book “The Book of Agreement and Remembrance”. I believe every couple should have a journal where they write down their vision and the things they agree upon. For example, Gay and I have agreed that we will follow Jesus Christ and the Bible is our source of truth. We have this written down so that we can call it to remembrance when the burden of our circumstances get heavy. Jesus tells us that his yoke is easy and his burden light.
Step 5 – Join a fellowship of believers.
When Josh and Sally were most troubled, they had no way to measure right from wrong and worse, they had no one to walk through the trouble with them. We need to read 2Corinthians 6:14 in the context of the rest of the chapter. Paul was giving us instructions about the kind of fellowship we should be in. He told us that we should not be yoked with non-believers, but he also suggests we should be yoked with believers. The chapter closes with a celebration of God being our father and us as His sons and daughters. This is a plural statement. It is a call to be in a fellowship with Christians. In short – Go to Church as a couple!
What happened to Josh and Sally?
Sally’s mom lived out of town, but she did look up marriage counselors on the web for her daughter. She found Genesis 2:24 Ministries through a google search and referred her daughter to us. It was during our first meeting that Josh had asked about being unequally yoke to his wife. They were both looking for relief from the heavy yoke of marriage to one another. Their problem was not that they were incompatible but rather they simply did not have a common source of truth, nor a common vision for their marriage and were not a part of a Christian fellowship.
That was nearly 12 years ago. We still hear from them regularly. They have had three children; Josh finished his college degree and they are living happily ever after. They have succeeded not by throwing off the yoke but because they have learned to take up the easy yoke of Christ in their marriage.
God bless you, Josh and Sally!
