A simple way to build trust in your marriage
All you need to say is simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything beyond this comes from the evil one. Matthew 5:37
When Gay and I got married way back in 1979 we were young and unfortunately very naïve about what made a good marriage. What we did have was a working knowledge of how husbands and wives should behave. We had watched a lot of TV and listened to friends and family and observed how they behaved. What I understood from these influences was that all husbands should be suspicious of their wives’ motives. A husband should never tell his wife the whole story or be honest about his inner thoughts. To do so may cost him leverage he may need in future negotiations. Gay was under the impression that all wives need to keep an eye on their husbands. Husbands are sneaky, are often up to no good and can be known to be bumbling idiots. The best practice is to figure out how to trick and manipulate your spouse with gifts and nice words or to promise sex some time later.
In that environment all plans, promises and agreements came with a proviso. We would rarely say simply, “yes” or “no”. We more often say “Yes, but…” or “No, until you do…”. Saying yes or no in this way would allow us room to get out of anything we ever agreed to and we could blame the other for any disappointments they might experience.
What do you want for Dinner?
We asked a small group of couples that had been married less than two years to describe the most frequent issue they have had to deal with so far. One of the wives said, “Trying to pick a restaurant” and everyone else smiled really big, nodded their heads and shouted almost in unison “Yeah, that is a real problem!” It goes something like this.
“What do you want for dinner?” is asked by husbands and wives every day. The answer is usually “Oh, whatever you want.” Then the husband picks a restaurant because he is usually driving, and his wife says, “No, I don’t want that.” Then we start a frustrating cycle of “What do you want” answered by “Oh anything, you pick”, a choice is made, then rebutted with “No not that.” Finally, someone breaks the cycle by saying something like “oh forget about it, I am not hungry anymore.” In the end two hungry people are angry and itching for something else to fight about.
I know this sounds silly, but most couples have been frustrated by this exact situation. Choosing a restaurant is not the problem but rather a symptom of a larger problem. When the husband asks, “Where do you want to eat”, is he being vague on purpose so he seems to be the flexible one? Or has he really not thought about what he wants? Perhaps a better way to ask is “I think we will go to McDonald’s for dinner, is that good with you?” He has stated a preference and asked his wife’s to be involvement. The wife will be invited to say yes or no to something specific. She has also been invited to make a suggestion if that is not OK.
Why is it so hard to simply say yes or no?
The difficulty of simply saying yes or no is often tied to our desire to be liked by others. But we can also struggle when we are not committed to a source of truth.
We struggle with simple answers when we are trying to please others. We will use lots of words because we think we are being diplomatic. We are trying to win them over to our way of thinking on a matter so that we will have common ground with them. Most of the time, we are trying guess what the other person wants to hear and say that.
For example, we worry about saying no to attending a baby shower at church. We don’t really want to attend but we worry that the person asking will think are disrespecting them or the future mother. So, we accept the invitation and later decide to send a gift with a detailed explanation about why we could not be there. We think we have manipulated the situation to make us look good and to maintain peace in a relationship.
Peace will be difficult to maintain when we have not committed to a source of truth. We instead let the circumstances dictate our answer. A great example of this is in the news today.
Throughout the United States the issue of rather or not aborting a baby is right or not. Those that oppose it say it is murder and so is always wrong. They would point to the ten commandments a clear direction and need not provide further explanation. Others that do not have the benefit of a commitment to a Biblical source of truth may say it is wrong but that there can exceptions. A simple yes or no answer is nearly impossible without a firm commitment to a clear source of truth.
My strong recommendation is to commit to the Bible as the only source of real and final truth. We find it quite easy to let our answer be yes or no if we will tie our yes or no to an immovable source of truth.
Applying a simple yes or no to your marriage.
Decide right now to stick to your word. If you say it does not matter where you eat dinner, be OK with your spouse’s choice. Period. Instead of rolling your eyes or making a gaging noise at their choice, say “Thank you for choosing.” You will get to express your choice next time.
If you are not sure about a matter, say so. If you need more information, ask. If not, it is OK to let your spouse decide. For example, we have learned that Gay is better at “pulling the trigger” than I am when it comes to major purchases.
I had wanted a Fender Stratocaster for years. I had saved my pennies and had enough buy one. So we spent a whole day visiting every music store in the greater Louisville metro area. I had played perhaps 50 “strats” and had found THE ONE. A mustard colored American beauty with a maple neck and a sweet sound. But, when it can time for me to part with all those pennies, I balked. Gay looked at the salesman and said, “We’ll take it.” She was not overriding me or forcing the situation. We had made the decision already, she was helping me say simply yes. I am so glad for her support.
Do not judge you spouse’s answer. When I tell my wife “No” or “Yes” on a matter, I am simply being honest. Her job is not to question my motive but rather appreciate my honesty.
Be careful of long explanations. Jesus says that when you add something to end of your yes or your no, that it is from the evil one. This is a VERY strong caution about long explanations and them coming from Satan. Shakespeare included an alliteration of this in Hamlet when he wrote, “The lady doth protest too much, methinks”. Basically, if you need all those words, perhaps you are not being honest. If you struggle to simply say yes or no check yourself, are you being honest and transparent with your spouse? Ask them what they think and which they prefer; you might be surprised at the answer.
